This week I decided to treat the mrs by ditching my usual value basics bright white bumper pack of toilet paper from our weekly shop. Instead I opted for the spectacularly pretty bright and bold series from the Andrex limited collection range which is printed on a material that honestly feels nicer than my actual duvet. 

I rushed home, quivering with excitement at the prospect of my wife's rapturous, beaming smile as she opened the day-glow orange Sainsburys bag and the joy she would undoubtably display for the next few days as she got a taste of the high life. I felt a little bit like a lion in the Serengeti who had taken down a gazelle for the family and was plodding back to the den dribbling over the fresh meat. Hunter gatherer personified; "woman, here be ye patterned paper for defecation perfection" -Swooooooooon. Why God himself couldn't have wished for a more pleasant wiping experience than this I am sure.

Later on I took my place at the throne to deposit the children to the pool and I swiftly became less thrilled by the experience. The fact was, I found myself being a tad disgusted at what can only be described as a major design-flaw. The problem is two-ply (see what I did):

1. Its quilted sheets feel so soft and velvety - almost like a duvet. Do I want to wipe my back-side with a duvet? No, I do not. This idea is sick.

2. Unravelling the roll a bit reveals a bright, colourful, abstract art masterpiece. Do I want to wipe my arse with a work of art? No, this is morally corrupt. 

I acknowledge that often the average NHS-white toilet environment could possibly be a little bland and in need of cheering up - but is toilet paper really the best application? Isn't this what those toilet seats that look like little aquariums are for? If I want to smear my faecal matter over anything or anyone it certainly wouldn't be Pete the pink flamingo and pals (2 Flamingos, one Butterfly.com - yuk) but it would be someone or something that I utterly despise. 

By accident I think I have stumbled upon THE concept of the year so far. I am proud to introduce to you all: 'Spite Paper' a range of toilet papers that you will almost certainly WANT to wipe your bum on.